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Why You Need To Stop Accepting Blame


When others are mean or rejecting, do you tend to take the blame for their behaviour?


One of the biggest issues that many people struggle with is taking other people’s behavior personally. Why do we do this?

Lila asked:

“I would like to hear you speak about the potential reasons one would take other people’s behavior personally and react as if another person’s behavior is all their own fault. I started studying Inner Bonding in January and realize this is a major theme for me. I logically know other people’s behavior has little to nothing to do with me, but my wounded self criticizes me as if I ‘said or did the wrong thing,’ making me the cause of the other person’s behavior. I notice my wounded self tells me if I could somehow find the perfect thing to say or do, this would not happen, and the thing I value would still be there.”

Taking things personally has everything to do with the desire of our wounded self to have control over others.

As I’ve often written about, helplessness over others is one of the hardest feelings we have. Many people would rather feel almost anything else – even shame – rather than feel helpless over others.

When you take things personally and tell yourself that the other person’s behavior is your fault, this gives you the illusion of control. If it’s your fault, then you can do something about it. If only you say or do the right thing, then the person won’t be mean to you, or won’t reject you, or won’t try to control you. The false belief is that saying or doing the perfect thing takes away the feeling of helplessness – the goal of the wounded self. Even if intellectually you know that you can’t control the other person, what you are doing by taking their behavior personally is avoiding your own feeling of helplessness over them.

So, taking things personally is a form of control, not only over the other person, but over your own painful feelings. It’s a way to avoid your pain, even though it brings a different pain.

In order to stop taking things personally, three things need to change:

  1. You need to fully accept that you can’t control others. You need to accept that others may be mean, rejecting and controlling, no matter how wonderful or perfect you are.
  2. You need to learn to lovingly accept and manage the core painful feeling of helplessness over others. You need to learn to move toward the feeling rather than away from it. You need to bring the love, compassion and comfort of Spirit to this very difficult feeling, staying present with it until it is ready to move through you.
  3. You need to learn to define your own worth through your connection with your spiritual Guidance so that when others are hurtful, you no longer believe that their behavior has anything to do with you, no matter how much they may blame you for it.

As you practice Inner Bonding and learn to define your intrinsic worth, you no longer make others’ approval responsible for your sense of worth and safety. As you learn to lovingly manage your own painful feelings, you no longer need to control others in an effort to get them to change as a way to avoid your pain. Everything changes for you when you learn to deeply value yourself. When you value yourself, it doesn’t occur to you to take others’ behavior personally.

Others’ unloving behavior hurts our heart, but when we learn to lovingly manage our loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others, we stop taking others’ behavior personally, and we can manage the hurt without trying to control others by being perfect or saying the right thing.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Are These 4 Mistakes Damaging Your Life And Relationships?


Discover the 4 mistakes you might be making that are causing your life and relationships to not work in the way you want.


I, like many of you, was brought up and programmed to believe in a number of ideas that have turned out to be untrue. These false beliefs led me tomake various life and relationship mistakes. I didn’t like making mistakes any more than you do, but it is from my mistakes that I’ve learned so much.

In this article, I’m going to discuss the 4 major mistakes that I used to make and that so many of my counseling clients make before working with me.

Self-judgment

I used to judge and shame myself unmercifully, although mostly unconsciously. Until I started to pay attention to my anxiety, stress, and insecurity, I never realized how much I judged and shamed myself.

From my parents, who constantly judged themselves and me, I learned to believe that judgment was a motivator. “If I judge myself, then I will do better. If I accept myself, I will get lazy and not do what I have to do.” “If I judge myself, I can get myself to do it ‘right’ and then others will love and accept me.” “If I judge myself, I can have control over others’ not judging me.” These were just a few of the false beliefs I had about self-judgment.

Now I know that self-judgments create so much inner stress that it makes it harder to do well – not easier. Now I know that people treat me the way I treat myself, so the more I judge myself, the more others judge me. Now I know that my passion and creativity flow when I’m accepting of myself, and that self-acceptance creates an inward motivation to be all I can be.

Giving Myself Up

I was taught that the way to get love and approval was to please others – to give myself up and be what they wanted me to be.

Now I know that giving myself up is a form of controlling others, and that while I might get some temporary approval, I never feel loved when I compromise myself. Now I know that when I disrespected myself so much as to give myself up for approval, others also disrespected me. Now I know that when I love myself and approve of myself, I also experience others’ genuine love for me. Now I know that others treat me the way I treat myself.

Competition vs. Cooperation

I never particularly liked to compete, but I was taught to compete for grades, for attention and for approval. I was taught that my value was in my looks and performance, not in my goodness, kindness, caring and compassion.

Now I know that there is far more joy and achievement in cooperation than competition. Now I know that I can define my own worth through my intrinsic qualities of goodness, gentleness, kindness, creativity, caring and compassion, rather than competing to be seen as worthy through others’ eyes.

Controlling vs. Learning About Loving Myself and Others

Because love was conditional in my family of origin, I learned various ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Judging myself, giving myself up, looking right and achieving were all ways to control how my parents and others felt about me. But with all of this, I never felt inwardly safe, secure, lovable or worthy – no matter how much approval I got.

Now I know that self-esteem comes from learning to love myself and others, rather than from getting approval. Now I know that my sense of inner safety and worth comes from how I treat myself and others rather than from how others treat me.

My life has improved dramatically since I no longer make these 4 life and relationship mistakes, and so will yours!

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.