Why You Need To Stop Accepting Blame

When others are mean or rejecting, do you tend to take the blame for their behaviour?

One of the biggest issues that many people struggle with is taking other people’s behavior personally. Why do we do this?

Lila asked:

“I would like to hear you speak about the potential reasons one would take other people’s behavior personally and react as if another person’s behavior is all their own fault. I started studying Inner Bonding in January and realize this is a major theme for me. I logically know other people’s behavior has little to nothing to do with me, but my wounded self criticizes me as if I ‘said or did the wrong thing,’ making me the cause of the other person’s behavior. I notice my wounded self tells me if I could somehow find the perfect thing to say or do, this would not happen, and the thing I value would still be there.”

Taking things personally has everything to do with the desire of our wounded self to have control over others.

As I’ve often written about, helplessness over others is one of the hardest feelings we have. Many people would rather feel almost anything else – even shame – rather than feel helpless over others.

When you take things personally and tell yourself that the other person’s behavior is your fault, this gives you the illusion of control. If it’s your fault, then you can do something about it. If only you say or do the right thing, then the person won’t be mean to you, or won’t reject you, or won’t try to control you. The false belief is that saying or doing the perfect thing takes away the feeling of helplessness – the goal of the wounded self. Even if intellectually you know that you can’t control the other person, what you are doing by taking their behavior personally is avoiding your own feeling of helplessness over them.

So, taking things personally is a form of control, not only over the other person, but over your own painful feelings. It’s a way to avoid your pain, even though it brings a different pain.

In order to stop taking things personally, three things need to change:

  1. You need to fully accept that you can’t control others. You need to accept that others may be mean, rejecting and controlling, no matter how wonderful or perfect you are.
  2. You need to learn to lovingly accept and manage the core painful feeling of helplessness over others. You need to learn to move toward the feeling rather than away from it. You need to bring the love, compassion and comfort of Spirit to this very difficult feeling, staying present with it until it is ready to move through you.
  3. You need to learn to define your own worth through your connection with your spiritual Guidance so that when others are hurtful, you no longer believe that their behavior has anything to do with you, no matter how much they may blame you for it.

As you practice Inner Bonding and learn to define your intrinsic worth, you no longer make others’ approval responsible for your sense of worth and safety. As you learn to lovingly manage your own painful feelings, you no longer need to control others in an effort to get them to change as a way to avoid your pain. Everything changes for you when you learn to deeply value yourself. When you value yourself, it doesn’t occur to you to take others’ behavior personally.

Others’ unloving behavior hurts our heart, but when we learn to lovingly manage our loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others, we stop taking others’ behavior personally, and we can manage the hurt without trying to control others by being perfect or saying the right thing.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Why People Blame And Why It’s So Bad For You

Blame and resentment are poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. In this article, discover the causes of blame and resentment and how to open to the truth that heals anger, blame and resentment.

Actress Susan Saint James, in a TV interview after the terrible plane crash that claimed the life of her 14 year old son Teddy, and injured her husband, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol, and her son Charles, made the following brilliant statement: “Resentment is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.” Even in the face of her great loss, she is not angry, blaming, or resentful.

Resentment and blame are poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. Our ego/wounded self believes that if we blame and resent someone, we can somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of things. But what the resentment really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim.

It’s very helpful to think of resentment as poisoning yourself while expecting the other to somehow be hurt by it. If you can think of anger, blame and resentment as poisons to the soul, perhaps this will make it easier to release these dark feelings.

These feeling do not come out of nowhere. They are the result of your thoughts and beliefs. For example, if you have the thought, as Susan could have had, “God is punishing me,” you will likely see yourself as a victim and feel angry and resentful. But having this thought or belief does not make it a reality. The resulting resentment is actually Spirit’s way of letting you know that you are off track in your thinking. Thoughts that cause anger, fear, and resentment are thoughts that are being made up by the wounded self. They are not based on truth. The truth never causes anger and fear. The truth can certainly cause sadness and grief, such as the reality that Susan’s son is gone. But anger and resentment are not the same as sadness and grief. Anger and resentment are the result of blaming someone or something.

Susan’s truth, which she stated in the interview, is that her son Teddy has ended one phase of his life and started another. Her faith in God as a loving source is sustaining her. Her belief that the soul does not die, but leaves when it is finished with what it needed to learn here, is making it possible for her to grieve without resentment. She is not allowing this great loss to poison her soul.

The literal biblical translation of the word “sin” is “off the mark.” When our thinking and behavior are off the mark, we are “sinning” because we are not in truth. God is truth, love, peace, and joy. When we are not in love and truth, we are off the mark. Being off the mark in our thinking results in negativity – in anger, fear, anxiety, depression, resentment, blame. Negativity is harmful to the soul. This is a “sin” against ourselves.

Our ego wounded self – which originates in the mind and is the part of us that wants control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe – constantly makes up thoughts that are off the mark. The ego is incapable of knowing what is true and what is not. It thinks it is wise and knowing, but in reality it is always “off the mark.” All the thoughts that come from the ego are based on the desire for control over others and outcomes. The desire to control is the opposite of the desire to love and be in truth, and is therefore off the mark.

Truth does not originate in the mind. Truth comes into the mind from Spirit when we are open to learning about love and truth. Truth never creates resentment.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, depression – these feelings are signals that you are not in truth, that you are allowing your ego to have dominion over your soul. When you practice Inner Bonding, and open your heart to learning the truth and learning what is loving to yourself and others, you will move out of the negative feelings and into the peace and joy that come from being in truth, even in the face of sadness and grief. Even in her grief, Susan Saint James’s face was filled with the light of truth. There was no darkness in her being as she shared her experience with us. Thank you, Susan, for your courage, love and faith. You have given us a great gift.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.