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How To Love Yourself When You Feel Rejected


Do you know how to love yourself when you feel rejected? Start learning how now!


What do you generally do when you feel rejected? If you’re like most people, you either try to control the rejecting person, or you take it out on yourself with various avoidant and controlling behaviors.

When you try to control the other person, do you try to control by:

  • Getting angry, defending, complaining, blaming?
  • People-pleasing, complying, giving yourself up?
  • Shutting down, withdrawing?
  • Threatening violence or exposure?

When you take it out on yourself, do you try to control yourself and/or your feelings by:

  • Harshly judging and criticizing yourself?
  • Avoiding your feelings by ruminating, justifying, or turning to various addictions, such as food, alcohol, drugs, TV, shopping, porn and so on?
  • Seeing yourself as a victim and complaining to others?

How do you feel when you do any of these controlling behaviors toward the other person or toward yourself? Do you feel:

  • Anxious?
  • Depressed?
  • Angry?
  • Alone?
  • Empty?
  • Shamed?
  • Guilty?
  • Resentful?

You might want to consider learning to love yourself when you feel rejected.

Loving yourself when you feel rejected needs to start way before someone rejects you. It needs to start by not rejecting yourself. As long as you are rejecting yourself, you will not be able to love yourself when you feel rejected by another.

All the ways you try to control others and yourself are self-rejecting. You are rejecting and abandoning yourself when you give yourself up, become defensive, shut down or threaten violence. You are rejecting and abandoning yourself when you avoid responsibility for your feelings by judging yourself, turning to addictions, being a victim and complaining to others – making them responsible for you.

Loving yourself starts by learning to define your intrinsic worth. This means that you stop defining your worth by your looks, your achievements or by how others feel about you. It means you learn to see and value your beautiful soul essence – your natural kindness, caring, compassion, creativity, innate goodness, as well as your natural gifts and talents and your particular form of intelligence.

When you value who you are within, then it’s much easier to not take others’ rejection personally. Others’ rejection is rarely about who you are in your beautiful essence. They might be rejecting your ego wounded self – who you are when you are trying to control others. Controlling behavior is unloving and no one likes it.

When you value your wonderful soul essence, then loving yourself means being a kind and compassionate inner parent toward your feelings. This is what loving yourself looks like:

You put your hand on your heart – according to research from the Heartmath Institute, having a hand on your heart activates oxytocin – moving into deep kindness for your feelings. Here is the out-loud dialog you can have with your feelings – your inner child:

“Sweetie, I love you and I’m right here for you. You are not alone. Spirit is here for us – we are not alone. I know you are feeling sad, lonely, heartbroken and helpless over this other person. You are a wonderful, beautiful being and there is nothing wrong with you. This person rejecting you is in their own fearful, unloving wounded self and taking it out on you. I will stay with you until you feel better.”

You stay with your painful feelings until you can feel that they are releasing and are ready to move through you. Once they are released, then you can do some inner learning by exploring how you might have contributed to the problems with your own controlling behavior. Once you fully understand your part of the relationship problems, then you can open to learning about what else would be loving to you.

At this point, loving yourself means doing something that fills you up – such as doing something creative, spending time with good friends, going to a 12-Step meeting, reading a good book, listening to beautiful music, doing exercise you love, or whatever else is fun and fulfilling for you.

I hope you start learning to love yourself through rejection rather than continuing to reject and abandon yourself.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

What Are You Avoiding In The Present By Dwelling On The Past?


Are you using the past to avoid feeling some current painful feelings?


I could see immediately, in the third Skype session I was having with Vicky, that she was feeling very sad.

“Vicky, what are you so sad about?”

“Since I’ve been learning Inner Bonding, I keep looking back and feeling so sad about many of the choices I’ve made in my life. I have so many regrets.”

“Vicky, I’d like you to breathe in and move into an intent to learn with the wounded part of you who wants to focus on the past. There must be a good reason for focusing on your regrets right now. See if you can tune into what feelings your wounded self is avoiding by focusing on the past.”

“I don’t understand. I’m feeling sad, and I’m not avoiding that feeling.”

“Right. But you are feeling sad because you are judging yourself for your past choices. Judging yourself is a form of control, which says to me that you might be trying to control some current painful feelings. What’s currently happening in your life that might be causing you to feel some loneliness or heartache or helplessness over someone or a situation?”

“Well, I’m having a really hard time with my daughter. She’s doing badly in school and is hanging out with kids who do drugs. I know she is experimenting with drugs, but she won’t talk with me about it. I’m very worried about her and I feel so helpless to help her. She doesn’t want my help. And I think it’s my fault that she is doing this because I wasn’t always there for her when she was younger and I was quite controlling with her. I think she is angry with me now and is rebelling. That’s why I’m feeling sad about the past.”

“Does your wounded self believe that if you judge yourself for the past you can somehow change it?”

“I think I believe that if I judge myself for my mistakes, then I won’t make them again.”

“Has that ever worked for you?”

“Hummm…..no. I just end up feeling badly.”

“Vicky, please put your hands on your heart and get present with your heartache and helplessness over the situation with your daughter. Invite in the love and compassion of Spirit to be with you with these painful feelings. Let your inner child know that she is not alone right now – that you are here and Spirit is here. Be very gentle and kind with yourself.”

Vicki does this.

“Keep doing this until you feel ready to release these feelings. Then release them to Spirit and ask for peace and acceptance to replace them.”

Vicki stays present with the feelings for about five minutes and then tells me she is ready to release them.

“Now, ask your Guidance what would be loving to you in this situation with your daughter.”

“My Guidance is telling me that my guilt over the past and my fear of her not loving me is causing me big problems in my parenting. I’ve read a ton of books and I’ve received a lot of help from a child psychologist I’ve spoken with, but I haven’t been able to implement anything.”

“Right. As long as you are trying to control how she feels about you, you will not be able to take action on what is loving to you and to her. Are you willing to let go of how she feels about you?”

“That’s hard for me. But I can see that I have to. I can see that she is using my fear to control me and has lost all respect for me.”

“Right. Until you start to be a role model for taking loving care of yourself, she will likely continue to act out. Once you are focused on taking care of yourself, then you will be in a position to act on what you know to do for her. In addition to the books and the child psychologist, your Guidance likely has much to tell you, but you need to let go of ruminating about the past and focus on taking care of your feelings now.

“The very best thing you can do for your daughter is to role model personal responsibility for your own feelings. Once you are loving you, then you will have the strength you need to take the loving actions you need to take.”

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.