What Are You Avoiding In The Present By Dwelling On The Past?

Are you using the past to avoid feeling some current painful feelings?

I could see immediately, in the third Skype session I was having with Vicky, that she was feeling very sad.

“Vicky, what are you so sad about?”

“Since I’ve been learning Inner Bonding, I keep looking back and feeling so sad about many of the choices I’ve made in my life. I have so many regrets.”

“Vicky, I’d like you to breathe in and move into an intent to learn with the wounded part of you who wants to focus on the past. There must be a good reason for focusing on your regrets right now. See if you can tune into what feelings your wounded self is avoiding by focusing on the past.”

“I don’t understand. I’m feeling sad, and I’m not avoiding that feeling.”

“Right. But you are feeling sad because you are judging yourself for your past choices. Judging yourself is a form of control, which says to me that you might be trying to control some current painful feelings. What’s currently happening in your life that might be causing you to feel some loneliness or heartache or helplessness over someone or a situation?”

“Well, I’m having a really hard time with my daughter. She’s doing badly in school and is hanging out with kids who do drugs. I know she is experimenting with drugs, but she won’t talk with me about it. I’m very worried about her and I feel so helpless to help her. She doesn’t want my help. And I think it’s my fault that she is doing this because I wasn’t always there for her when she was younger and I was quite controlling with her. I think she is angry with me now and is rebelling. That’s why I’m feeling sad about the past.”

“Does your wounded self believe that if you judge yourself for the past you can somehow change it?”

“I think I believe that if I judge myself for my mistakes, then I won’t make them again.”

“Has that ever worked for you?”

“Hummm… I just end up feeling badly.”

“Vicky, please put your hands on your heart and get present with your heartache and helplessness over the situation with your daughter. Invite in the love and compassion of Spirit to be with you with these painful feelings. Let your inner child know that she is not alone right now – that you are here and Spirit is here. Be very gentle and kind with yourself.”

Vicki does this.

“Keep doing this until you feel ready to release these feelings. Then release them to Spirit and ask for peace and acceptance to replace them.”

Vicki stays present with the feelings for about five minutes and then tells me she is ready to release them.

“Now, ask your Guidance what would be loving to you in this situation with your daughter.”

“My Guidance is telling me that my guilt over the past and my fear of her not loving me is causing me big problems in my parenting. I’ve read a ton of books and I’ve received a lot of help from a child psychologist I’ve spoken with, but I haven’t been able to implement anything.”

“Right. As long as you are trying to control how she feels about you, you will not be able to take action on what is loving to you and to her. Are you willing to let go of how she feels about you?”

“That’s hard for me. But I can see that I have to. I can see that she is using my fear to control me and has lost all respect for me.”

“Right. Until you start to be a role model for taking loving care of yourself, she will likely continue to act out. Once you are focused on taking care of yourself, then you will be in a position to act on what you know to do for her. In addition to the books and the child psychologist, your Guidance likely has much to tell you, but you need to let go of ruminating about the past and focus on taking care of your feelings now.

“The very best thing you can do for your daughter is to role model personal responsibility for your own feelings. Once you are loving you, then you will have the strength you need to take the loving actions you need to take.”

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

How To Recover From Childhood Heartbreak In Your Adult Life

Discover how childhood heartbreak causes emotional and physical problems today, and what you can do to heal.

Celine, an only child, was seven years old when her mother died tragically in a car accident. She and her father were devastated. However, unlike so many of my clients who lost parents and no one was there for them, Celine’s father was completely there for her, even while dealing with his own grief and heartbreak. Celine could call him anytime at work and he would talk to her or come home to lovingly hold her. Because he was so completely there for her, her feelings of grief, heartbreak, sadness and sorrow did not get stuck in her body. Each time they came up, they were released due to the caring, compassion, tenderness, gentleness, consistency and understanding of her loving father.

As a result of her father’s love, Celine did not develop the fear of intimacy and loss that so many people experience as a result of the loss of the parent. She did not close her heart to protect herself from future loss.

However, most of us did not have loving parents to help us move through the heartbreaks of childhood. In fact, many of us had parents that caused much of the heartbreak with various forms of abuse. We needed to numb out and find protections/addictions to manage the heartbreak and loneliness of rejection, abuse and loss. As a result, the pain got stuck in our bodies, causing both physical and emotional damage.

Emotional Damage

Without a loving parent such as Celine’s father, we had no choice but to learn to buffer the pain. You might have learned to use food, drugs or alcohol at a young age. Perhaps you became addicted to TV, computer games, tantrums, fantasy or caretaking. You might have learned to stay focused in your mind rather than in your body, and to live in the past or future rather than in the present moment. In one way or another, you learned to disconnect from your deeper feelings of heartache, heartbreak, loneliness, helplessness over others, sorrow and grief, because you did not have the ability to manage these very painful feelings any other way.

But addictions and inner disconnection cause other problems – loss of a sense of self, low self-worth, fears of rejection and engulfment. The more you disconnect from your feelings, the more you are dependent upon others for approval and acceptance. This leads to relationship problems and to more addictive behaviors. The result is living with anxiety, depression, fear, anger, guilt and/or shame.

Childhood heartbreak has hugely devastating effects that need to be healed as adults. Now, we can go back and learn to give ourselves what we didn’t receive as children – compassion, caring, tenderness, gentleness and understanding – and heal much of the emotional damage. We can learn to manage the deeply painful feelings that we could not manage as children.

Physical Damage

When children are physically and/or sexually abused, the energy it takes to survive causes a huge amount of stress in the physical body. When stressed, the body goes into flight or fight, which means that the blood leaves the organs, brain, and immune system and goes into the arms and legs for fighting or fleeing. However, when we cannot fight or flee, we freeze, causing the blood to stay stuck in our arms and legs. This gradually erodes the immune system, preparing the way for illness. Much current illness is the result of childhood abuse.

While we can currently eat well, get enough exercise, and heal the emotional stress, sometimes the physical damage is deeply challenging. It is not easy to heal the years of damage caused by the stress of abuse. It is vitally important for you to not judge yourself for the illnesses you might be suffering that started as a child from being abused or from suffering unbearable loss.

Today, you need to be gentle with yourself. Judging yourself for the emotional and physical damage of heartbreak only causes more heartbreak. Instead, you need to be deeply caring, tender and gentle with yourself, consistently giving the love and acceptance to yourself that you did not receive as a child. This is what heals.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.