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How To Attract At Your Common Level Of Self-Love


Learn to attract people at your common level of self-love, rather than at your common level of self-abandonment.


Marty tells me in a phone session, “Susan is always criticizing me. How do I get her to stop?”Fiona tells me in a phone session, “Jeff is often withdrawn. I feel so angry about this.”

It’s always easy to see what your partner is doing that you don’t like, but it’s generally very challenging to see your end of a dysfunctional relationship system. However, your end of the system is equal to your partner’s end, as we attract people at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health.

What does this mean?

This means that the degree to which you emotionally abandon yourself – by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings, turning to addictions, and/or making others responsible for your feelings – is the same degree to which your partner is emotionally abandoning himself or herself.

The minute Marty tells me about Susan criticizing him, I know that Marty is likely criticizing himself and may also be giving himself up to her to try to have control over getting her approval. Each is controlling in their own way, but Marty is aware only of how Susan is trying to control him.

When Fiona tells me about Jeff’s withdrawal, she is also telling me about her anger – two sides of their dysfunctional relationship system.

The problem is that Marty and Susan and Fiona and Jeff all got together wanting to get love, rather than knowing how to love themselves and share their love.

Do you really want to continue to do this in your life?

Attracting at Your Common Level of Emotional Health

Attracting at your common level of emotional health means that you have done the inner work necessary to heal your feelings of shame and insecurity. It means that you know how to fill yourself with love and share your love with others. It means that you have stopped abandoning yourself and have learned how to love yourself, which means that you take responsibility for your feelings, rather than making another responsible.

When you learn to value yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, you are no longer attracted to someone who emotionally abandons themselves. You are drawn to people who also value themselves and want to share love rather than get love. So you will no longer end up with someone who blames, withdraws, judges or sees themself as a victim. You will just not find this person attractive, as they are not at your common level of emotional health.

The Frequency of Attraction

The Law of Attraction states that “Like attracts like.” This means that people with a low frequency – people who are insecure and self-abandoning – attract each other, while people with a high frequency – people who love and value themselves – also attract each other. People who are positive, open, secure, giving, caring and kind to themselves and others are not attracted to people who are closed, negative and needy of approval and attention.

While no one deliberately seeks out someone who is closed, negative and needy, if this is you, this is what you will attract into your life. If you want a loving relationship, then you need to do the work of learning how to take emotional responsibility. This means:

  • Learning to be present in your body rather than stuck in your mind avoiding your feelings
  • Being open to learning about what your feelings are telling you rather than protecting against them with various addictions and self-judgments
  • Learning to access a spiritual source of love, rather than expecting someone else to be your higher power
  • Learning to take loving action in your own behalf rather than expecting others to do this for you

Why not start today with learning how to love yourself rather than continue to abandon yourself?

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

How To Be A Loving Protagonist For Your Inner Child


What does it look like to be a loving protagonist for your inner child? Learn how now!


What does loving self-care really mean?

Our wounded self and our loving adult have totally different concepts of what self-care really means.

The wounded self might say, “I’m taking loving care of myself when:

  • I reward myself with chocolate cake after a really hard day.”
  • I withdraw and feel justifiably angry when someone makes unreasonable demands on me.”
  • I get really angry when someone is being disrespectful to me or not doing what they said they would do.”
  • I tell someone my feelings when he or she has hurt or upset me.”
  • I chill out and reduce my stress with a few glasses of wine.”
  • I reward myself after a stressful week by buying new clothes or new toys, even when I can’t afford them.”
  • I like to stay up late to watch a favorite show, even if I’m really tired the next day.”
  • I listen to others complain because I want to be a good person and not hurt their feelings.”

The loving adult sees these situations completely differently. The loving adult might say, “I’m taking loving care of myself when:

  • I do Inner Bonding and give myself the love I really need rather than pacifying my inner child with chocolate cake. I care about my health, so I don’t often indulge in eating things that do not contribute to my health and wellbeing.” I speak up in my own behalf – in behalf of my inner child – when someone makes unreasonable demands on me, stating a clear limit regarding how I expect to be treated. I disengage from the conflict without anger if the person continues to treat me with disrespect.”
  • I acknowledge, embrace and release my loneliness in the face of others’ disrespectful or resistant behavior. I accept my helplessness over others’ behavior rather than get angry in an attempt to control them. With the help of my higher power, I then decide how to be a loving advocate for my inner child if another continues to treat me badly.”
  • I do Inner Bonding when I am hurt or upset by another’s behavior, to discover what I am telling myself that is hurting or upsetting me. When I am open and clear, I may approach the other with an intent to learn about the good reasons for his or her behavior.”
  • I do Inner Bonding when I am stressed, to discover what I am telling my inner child that is stressing me out. I may occasionally consume some substances, such as wine, for the pleasure of it or the social enjoyment of it, but not addictively to avoid responsibility for my feelings.”
  • I occasionally buy new clothes or toys for the pleasure of it, but not as an addictive way out of stress. I do not buy things when it would put me into financial distress.”
  • I get to sleep early enough to make sure that I’m not tired the next day, because my health and wellbeing are really important to me. If I have a favorite show that I don’t want to miss, I record it and see it another time.”
  • I speak my truth when others are complaining or dumping their negativity onto me, by saying something like, ‘It really doesn’t feel good to have you dump your negativity onto me. I’d be happy to be of help to you if you want help, but I’m not willing to be a dumping ground for your misery.’ If the person does not respect this limit, then I end the conversation or stop spending much time with that person.”

Loving self-care is never about controlling others or avoiding your own feelings. Being a loving advocate for your inner child is about taking the action – guided by Spirit – that brings about deep inner peace and joy. It is not a momentary addictive action, but an action that truly takes care of your physical, emotional, financial and spiritual wellbeing.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Do You Know Narcissism And Self-Love Are NOT The Same Thing?


Discover that self-love and narcissism are actually opposites!


It’s interesting to me how often people confuse self-love with narcissism – because they are actually opposites in many ways.

Ramona ask a question about this issue:

“How do I know if I’m narcissistic? How do I differentiate between self-care and narcissism? For so long I’ve denied myself love and care and now that I am working on loving myself – hearing my inner child and taking care of myself – I sometimes feel narcissistic for focusing on me. I can’t tell if I am being narcissistic or if I am focusing on my self-love and self-care in a healthy way. Thank you for clarifying.”

Self-love and self-care are about taking responsibility for your own feelings and many of your own needs. It’s about learning to see and deeply value your essence – your inner child – and to be at least as loving to your inner child as you would be to an actual child whom you adore.

While you might have learned to believe that narcissism relates to loving yourself, it’s the opposite: i.e. narcissistic people do all they can to get others to love them. Instead of validating themselves, they manipulate in many ways to get others to validate them. Because they feel very empty and insecure inside, they are constantly trying to have control over getting others’ attention and approval – by talking on and on about themselves, by pulling for attention in many different ways, by getting angry and punishing when they don’t get what they want, and by being critical of others. They take no responsibility for their own feelings and needs, instead pulling on others to give them what they are not giving to themselves.

People who are on the path of learning to love themselves are generally open to learning with others. They want to learn and grow, so instead of getting angry when someone points out something about themselves, they get curious. The opposite is true of narcissists. They feel attacked and generally attack back when confronted with their self-centered and manipulative behavior.

Being self-centered and selfish, and being self-responsible and self-loving are also opposites. We are being self-centered and selfish when we expect others to give themselves up for us, and we are being self-caring when we love ourselves enough to be able to share our love with others. Self-responsible people who are learning to love themselves and take responsibility for their own feelings enjoy sharing their love with others, while narcissistic, self-centered people are focused on getting love from others.

Your intent determines whether you are loving yourself or being narcissistic.    When your intent is to love yourself and share your love, you are operating from your loving adult self and you are connected with your spiritual source of love and truth. When your intent is to get love from others, you are operating from your wounded self, completely disconnected from a spiritual source of love and truth.

I would say this to Ramona: “Even the fact that you are questioning whether you are coming from self-love or narcissism indicates that you are open to learning and that your intent is to learn to love yourself. Narcissists rarely question their own behavior. You need to let go of worrying that focusing on yourself is narcissistic. You need to focus on yourself to learn to love yourself, and focusing on yourself is very different than trying to get others to focus on you – which is what narcissists do.”

The more you learn to give yourself the love, attention and approval you have been trying to get from others, the more the narcissism of your wounded self gets healed. The wounded self in all of us is narcissistic to one degree or another, and learning to love yourself is what eventually heals the narcissism of the wounded self.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.