Why You Need To Stop Accepting Blame

When others are mean or rejecting, do you tend to take the blame for their behaviour?

One of the biggest issues that many people struggle with is taking other people’s behavior personally. Why do we do this?

Lila asked:

“I would like to hear you speak about the potential reasons one would take other people’s behavior personally and react as if another person’s behavior is all their own fault. I started studying Inner Bonding in January and realize this is a major theme for me. I logically know other people’s behavior has little to nothing to do with me, but my wounded self criticizes me as if I ‘said or did the wrong thing,’ making me the cause of the other person’s behavior. I notice my wounded self tells me if I could somehow find the perfect thing to say or do, this would not happen, and the thing I value would still be there.”

Taking things personally has everything to do with the desire of our wounded self to have control over others.

As I’ve often written about, helplessness over others is one of the hardest feelings we have. Many people would rather feel almost anything else – even shame – rather than feel helpless over others.

When you take things personally and tell yourself that the other person’s behavior is your fault, this gives you the illusion of control. If it’s your fault, then you can do something about it. If only you say or do the right thing, then the person won’t be mean to you, or won’t reject you, or won’t try to control you. The false belief is that saying or doing the perfect thing takes away the feeling of helplessness – the goal of the wounded self. Even if intellectually you know that you can’t control the other person, what you are doing by taking their behavior personally is avoiding your own feeling of helplessness over them.

So, taking things personally is a form of control, not only over the other person, but over your own painful feelings. It’s a way to avoid your pain, even though it brings a different pain.

In order to stop taking things personally, three things need to change:

  1. You need to fully accept that you can’t control others. You need to accept that others may be mean, rejecting and controlling, no matter how wonderful or perfect you are.
  2. You need to learn to lovingly accept and manage the core painful feeling of helplessness over others. You need to learn to move toward the feeling rather than away from it. You need to bring the love, compassion and comfort of Spirit to this very difficult feeling, staying present with it until it is ready to move through you.
  3. You need to learn to define your own worth through your connection with your spiritual Guidance so that when others are hurtful, you no longer believe that their behavior has anything to do with you, no matter how much they may blame you for it.

As you practice Inner Bonding and learn to define your intrinsic worth, you no longer make others’ approval responsible for your sense of worth and safety. As you learn to lovingly manage your own painful feelings, you no longer need to control others in an effort to get them to change as a way to avoid your pain. Everything changes for you when you learn to deeply value yourself. When you value yourself, it doesn’t occur to you to take others’ behavior personally.

Others’ unloving behavior hurts our heart, but when we learn to lovingly manage our loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others, we stop taking others’ behavior personally, and we can manage the hurt without trying to control others by being perfect or saying the right thing.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Are You Really In Love Or Is It Emotional Dependency?

Learn to distinguish the difference between being in love and being emotionally dependent on someone – between loving from your mature adult self or loving from your wounded self.

One of my clients, whose ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, asked me the following question:

“I think I still love her, but is this love or just emotional dependency? Many times I ask myself if falling in love comes from the wounded self because (for me at least) it feels as if I can’t live without the other person. When I give love from the heart, I don’t expect anything back, but when I ‘fall in love’ I think this is a different energy.”

Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self – the ego self – you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are “in love.” However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is “in love” is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, which is why you can’t live without that person.

When you fall in love as a loving adult, instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned – through the consistent practice of Inner Bonding – how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a spiritual source. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing, than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your Inner Bonding work to bring love within, and the more you have learned to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone who also does this.

When you pick someone from your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be “in love” rather than “in need.” You will be able to love another person for who he or she is, rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it, and feel filled in the giving.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Is There Really Such A Thing As Unconditional Love?

Do you have the expectation that you will receive unconditional love from a partner?

Most of us would love the experience of being loved unconditionally by someone. This is the experience we needed when we were growing up, but most parents are not connected enough with themselves and their spiritual guidance to be able to offer this.

Is it realistic now to expect it from a partner?

Love, by my definition, is that which is unconditional – i.e. there are no conditions under which it does not exist. In my experience, this is what God is, and when we are very open, we can invite the love-that-is-God into our heart.

But how many of us are always that open? Or even sometimes that open? If we were always that open, we would be enlightened, and how many of us are enlightened beings?

Since I’ve never met anyone who could always keep their heart open, the truth is that, as humans, our ability to unconditionally love someone is limited to our ability to stay completely open hearted and unconditionally love ourselves. If we cannot consistently unconditionally love ourselves and fill ourselves with love, then we cannot consistently unconditionally love others.

Can Love Be Earned?

The idea of having to earn love is an oxymoron. Since real love is that which is unconditional, how can it need to be earned?

The love-that-is-God is always here, no matter what. It is the law of love, just like the law of gravity. Like gravity, it applies to everyone all the time. It can’t be earned any more than gravity can be earned.

The same is true of unconditional love between people. If it is truly unconditional, then it can’t be earned. What can be earned is approval, and often there is much confusion between love and approval. But there is a vast difference.

Approval is used in order to control. Love is always a free gift.

When We Love, What Do We Love?

Being human, we all have a wounded self and a core Self, which is our beautiful essence. When someone loves us, it is generally our essence they love, and they tolerate our wounded self. Since our wounded self is all about control, it is unrealistic to expect someone to love our wounded self. While they may unconditionally love our essence, we will likely not feel their love when we are in our wounded self.

I’ve never met anyone who was able to truly love another’s wounded self. It is our job to learn to unconditionally love our own essence and our own wounded self. The more we are able to do this, the more we can fill ourselves with love and share our love with others. But again, since we are human, we will go in and out of loving ourselves, and therefore in and out of loving others.

The key to experiencing unconditional love is to be open to learning with your spiritual guidance about what is loving to you, moment-by-moment, rather than trying to control getting love from someone else. Your deep intent to learn about love connects you with your Source of unconditional love that is always here for you. You do not have to earn it; in fact, since it is the very nature of God, you cannot earn it. The attempt to earn it is actually a form of control – trying to control God! The only thing you need to do to experience love is to be open to learning about loving yourself. It is this choice that opens your heart to the unconditional love-that-is-God.

When you expect someone else to be able to love you unconditionally, you may be setting yourself up to get hurt. You will feel loved far more often if, instead of focusing on getting another to love you unconditionally, you learn to love yourself unconditionally. Then, you are able to share your love freely with others.

While it’s not realistic to expect it from a partner, it is realistic to expect it from your Guidance. It is always here.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Lying To Yourself Like This Will Cost You Dearly

Our emotions are an accurate indication of when we are in truth and when we are lying to ourselves.

Believe it or not, one of the great gifts we were born with is our emotions. Our emotions infallibly let us know when we are operating from the truth and when we are telling ourselves lies. When we are in truth, we feel clear, connected, happy, peaceful, powerful and joyful. When we are lying to ourselves – operating from our false beliefs – we feel anxious, tense, depressed, scared, powerless, angry, empty, hopeless, alone and abandoned.

Therefore, it’s very important to discover the lies we tell ourselves that are causing much of our pain.

Truth comes from our higher self, while the lies come from our own mind. Our ego mind is a master at creating lies, often based on our core wounds.

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m intrinsically flawed.”

“If he doesn’t like me, there must be something wrong with me.”

“If she rejects me, it must be my fault.”

“If I grow and move into my power, I will end up alone.”

“My goodness is defined by others seeing me as caring.”

“My worth is defined by others paying attention to me and seeing me as special.”

“If I am very loving and giving, I can control how others feel about me.”

“Telling others my feelings is a way to take care of myself.”

“If I’m kind to others, I can get them to be kind to me.”

“If I love someone enough, they will eventually love me back. I can control getting love.”

“I have to be perfect. If I’m perfect, then I can have control over how others feel about me.”

“Others cause me to feel happy or sad. Others are responsible for my feelings.”

“Resistance will protect me from being controlled.”

“If I tell the truth, I will end up alone.”

“Resisting control is a good way to maintain my integrity.”

“I can’t be myself and be safe.”

“If I make enough money, I will feel happy and secure.”

“If I worry and ruminate enough, I can control the outcome of things.”

“Anger works to get me what I want.”

“If I look good, people will like me.”

“I don’t deserve for God to love me and be here for me.”

“I have to earn love.”

“I can’t love myself as well as someone else can.”

The wounded self – our ego mind – has hundreds of beliefs about ourselves, about control, about others, and about Spirit that cause us much pain.

Step Three of Inner Bonding is about exploring the lies we tell ourselves, and the ways we treat ourselves, that cause our pain. This can be a fascinating process of self-discovery – a process of unraveling the complex illusions of the ego wounded self. Each time you do your inner exploration in response to a painful feeling, you can discover another lie that has limited you and caused you pain.

As I stated above, truth comes from our higher Guidance. That’s why Step Four of Inner Bonding involves going to your higher self to learn the truth about these false beliefs, and to find the loving action you need to take on your own behalf. You cannot discover the truth within your own mind. You need to learn to open to your Guidance, or to your own higher self, or to whatever you are comfortable with going to, outside of your own programmed mind. We cannot “figure out” the truth. We must open to it and allow it in, which is what happens when we move into a sincere intent to learn with our spiritual Guidance about truth and loving action.

One of the lies of the wounded self is that we are bad or wrong or somehow inadequate for even having a wounded self! The wounded self wants to stay hidden. It doesn’t want to be unmasked, and it will go to great lengths to defend itself, denying its existence and judging itself to avoid being seen.

The joy of growth and healing happens when we acknowledge and embrace our wounded self with compassion and a deep intent to learn about its lies. These lies are limiting us and causing our pain.

I encourage you to build the practice of Inner Bonding into your daily life. Set aside time each morning and evening to practice the Six Steps. Practice staying open to your feelings throughout the day, and then do an Inner Bonding process whenever you feel anything other than peace and fullness within. Each time you discover another lie and move into the truth, you will feel lighter, freer and more personally powerful. The truth really does set us free!

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

Are You The Person Your Dog Thinks You Really Are?

Your pet knows the truth of who you are!

Many of us know how unconditionally loving most dogs naturally are – unless they have been abused. Even if you don’t have a dog, you’ve likely seen the joy they express when their person comes home after being gone for even a few minutes.

If you have a dog or another pet who loves you, what would your pet say about you if he or she could talk? Take a moment to imagine what your pet would say.

Would he or she say?

  • You’re the best – all loving, all wise. You love unconditionally. I adore you!
  • You are omnipotent. You are God to me.
  • Your presence makes me so happy.
  • You’re my wonderful person and I will never leave you.
  • I love just being next to you. You’re warm and cuddly.
  • You’re trustworthy.
  • You’re compassionate, kind and caring.
  • I love it when you play with me! You’re fun!
  • Your petting and scratching feel so wonderful to me.
  • I’m lonely when you are not here.
  • I feel safe with you, and I always want to do whatever I can to keep you safe.
  • You are so important that I would risk my life for you.
  • Other______________________________________

When your pet looks at you with adoring eyes, or wags his tail and wiggles with joy, or snuggles next to you on the couch or bed, he is loving you because he believes you are deserving of love.

Do you see yourself this way? Do you see yourself as the person your pet thinks you are?

Your pet has the ability to bypass your wounded self and to see who you are in your essence. Even when you lose your temper, or ignore her or forget to feed her on time, she will keep on loving you because she is connected with your essence.

Are you connected with your essence? Do you own the qualities your pet sees in you, or do you define yourself by your wounded self?

Look at the list of what your pet would say about you. Is there anything that is not true about you when you are connected with your essence and your Guidance?

Obviously, little on the above list is true when you are in your wounded self, but you are not your wounded self!

I hope you don’t discount what your pet sees in you. I hope you don’t tell yourself that your pet is just a dumb animal and doesn’t know what a loser you are. That would be very sad.

Most animals are highly sensitive. Do you know that dogs can smell cancer in a person? You might want to see this video: about a dog who likely saved his person’s life by smelling breast cancer, even though her mammogram was negative.

How about using what your pet thinks of you as a role model for how to be a loving person in the world? What if you actually owned up to and became the person your pet thinks you are?

Your inner child will very much appreciate it if you use what your pet thinks you are as a role model for how to treat yourself and others. And the more you pattern your behavior after what your pet sees in you, the more natural it will feel to you, because you are, in your essence, who your pet thinks you are.

While your wounded self might think of you as a fraud, there is no way that your true Self, your Divine essence is a fraud. How can it be? It is created in the image of God, which is who your pet thinks you are – and your pet knows!

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.

How To Protect And Support Your Personal Power

Are there people in your life and wounded parts of yourself who want to limit you from being in your personal power?

How many of you had the experience growing up of being told in various ways to not claim your personal power and instead limit yourselves from being all you can be?

Do you remember the cartoon movie “The Incredibles”? This older movie is a wonderful metaphor for this. In The Incredibles, the superheroes – those with extraordinary powers – are restricted from using their powers.

When I was growing up, I was not supported in claiming my personal power (not to be confused with power over others) and being all I could be. “Boys don’t like smart girls,” “People will be jealous of you.” I learned to hide good grades and talents for fear others would be threatened. If I wanted to “fit in,” I needed to be like everyone else. Being extraordinary and personally powerful was considered “weird.”

In the movie, the superheroes are finally allowed to use their powers because they are needed to save the planet. This, too, is a metaphor. We are each extraordinary in our own ways, and this planet needs each of us to fully express our gifts and talents – fully claim our personal power. We need extraordinary people to step up to the plate to guide us away from fear, greed and manipulation and into caring, compassion and personal responsibility. We become role models when we fully claim our personal power. Fortunately, many more young people today are encouraged to be all they can be.

At the end of the movie, a horrible monster arises from the earth, saying something like, “We are the underminers. We undermine happiness, peace and joy. We are always beneath you.”

Who Are The Underminers In Your Life?

Underminers are both within and without.

Outer underminers are those people who do not have your highest good at heart. They are the people who want to use you, blame you, manipulate and control you and try to limit you. They are the people who are threatened by you being all you can be – threatened by your personal power. They are the people who want you to care-take them rather than take responsibility for yourself. These people can be family, friends or co-workers – anyone in your life who does not support you in being all you can be. It is sad and lonely when the people who say they care about you, instead do all they can to control and limit you.

However, as adults it is our inner underminer who causes us the most damage. The inner underminer is the wounded self who holds our limiting beliefs – the lies we learned about ourselves, others and God. This underminer shouts lies to us that cause our fears and anxieties and keep us from fully manifesting our personal power and being all that we are.

For example, Paul is a very competent man, yet every time he gets a new idea of something he wants to do with his work and his life, his wounded self says, “You can’t do it. You will fail.” His inner underminer keeps him immobilized and stuck in the illusion of safety.

Julia is a talented writer, yet has never submitted her writing for publication. Whenever she starts to move toward submitting her writing, her wounded self shouts, “No one will listen to you. No one wants to read what you write.”

For a long time, Joanna has wanted to leave her job and go back to school for further training. Yet whenever she contemplates this, her wounded self sneaks in with the lie that stops her every time: “If you leave your job, you will never find another one. God will not support you in doing what you want to do.”

Robert is unhappy in his relationship. His girlfriend, Marian, just wants to be taken care of. She is often very angry with Robert when he wants to spend time with friends or even time alone, and does not support him in what brings him joy. She is an underminer, yet it is his inner underminer that keeps him from leaving. “You will end up alone and be more miserable than you are now.”

Suzanne was the “smart one” in her family, while her sister was the “pretty one.” Her parents undermined her by telling her over and over that she needed to learn to take care of herself because no man would want her. Now, a successful and attractive woman, Suzanne’s underminer constantly tells her, “You will always be alone. You are not meant to have a relationship.” Because of her underminer, Suzanne approaches relationships with a chip on her shoulder, creating the rejection she is hoping to avoid.

“You can’t.” “You will fail.” “You are inadequate.” “Who do you think you are?” “You will end up alone.” “You are ugly.” “You are alone – God does not exist.” “Spirit will not support you because you are not good enough.”

The underminer – your wounded self, is devoted to undermining your happiness, peace and joy and personal power because it believes this is what keeps you safe. Why not be a superhero, practice Inner Bonding, learn to stop listening to the underminer and start loving yourself? This planet needs you to claim your personal power.

Find out how SELFQUEST® unleashes the true power and consciousness within you to help you realize the life changes you desire and deserve. The power to find yourself, heal yourself and love yourself through the transformational self-healing practice of Inner Bonding.